nonconformity in space

i’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to like someone when liking them already feels like a problem.

when i wrote this, i had a big crush on a girl, and naturally, liking a girl as a girl never feels simple. attraction feels too dream-like, and my mind immediately turns into logistics and consequences. who this changes things with. how much harder i’m making my own life by wanting something that doesn’t exist quietly. god, when i was younger, i had lectures during sunday school about how it was a sin for a girl to like a girl. but it’s not like that’s something you can control.

even before anything goes wrong, the fear is already there. sometimes distance feels safer than honesty.

that’s why signalis means so much to me.

anyway, here’s a part of the piece i wrote about signalis:

one of my favorite characters in the game is ariane yeong, the person elster (the character you play as) is searching for the entire time. ariane’s life is shaped by being punished for difference… she loves art and literature in a society that devalues both; she looks different. because of this, she’s isolated, bullied, and eventually pushed toward the military, as a correction.

her experience feels deeply queer to me. not in a symbolic way, but in a lived one. being told that who you are is inconvenient. that your interests, your softness, your way of existing take up the wrong kind of space. and what. the solution is removal? how is that fair?

ariane ends up being tasked to go on the penrose mission, where she is to go off into space on her own (with an android companion), looking for new planets. the penrose mission looks like freedom. a way out. a chance to leave everything behind and start over somewhere far enough away that no one can reach you. but the name itself, however, gives it away.

penrose

like the penrose triangle, something impossible. a mission dressed up as purpose, but really meant to quietly get rid of people who do not fit.

i think ariane knew that, but volunteered to go on this mission to feel free.

what gets me is that her freedom does not come from being alone. despite the fact that they were not supposed to interact, ariane gets close to her android companion. close.

that’s the part that keeps looping back to my own life.

i hate how creating a life built entirely around self protection starts to feel like a slow disappearance. it just feels so lonely, but i’m just scared.

i hate how when things go my way, it still feels lonely and scary.

i think about that a lot. especially when i am scared. especially when i want something anyway. i just like her too much.